Mixed Signals

Women are hard to get!! Their mindset is so complex that you can’t understand their logic, their behaviour and their mood. It’s no wonder guys are always fucking up!! Shit is just too damn complicated.

The other day, some shorty (who also happens to be my crush) claims she sent me a message, which practically implied that she’s throwing the booty at me, and I didn’t respond!! Well, this is according to her. She even went as far as calling me a “lil bitch”!! Can you imagine my dismay when I heard all of this. I was like, there is zero ways I would pass on that booty even if I had a drip on in my hospital bed - I would instantly get healthy again!!

The thing is though, there has been an incident like this before whereby I literally passed out on the booty!! I am still traumatized till this day so when she accused me of this shit, I felt a little vulnerable. The 1^st time this shit happened, it was a couple of years back and I was passed out at our flat, on the couch!! Apparently, shorty at the time came into the flat, saw me passed out, tried to wake me up (to no prevail) and left a note before she bounced. When I woke up I saw her texts claiming she did all of this and I was like, “THERE IS NO WAYS!! BITCH, WHY ARE YOU LION” She said I had left the door unlocked (and she was right), and she said she left a note (and I saw the note right in front of me)!! I couldn’t believe this shit. I consider myself a light sleeper (even when I’m drunk, which had been the case in this story) but the fact that everything she claimed checked out and felt like it was the end of the world. Actually, let me touch a little on this whole “end of the world’’ phrase!! Doesn’t it derive from the coming back of Jesus Christ?? From what I remember, that occasion is supposed to be lit because that’s when the Kingdom of Heaven descends and all the thugs get to live in paradise (next to Tupac and Biggy) for eternity, with unlimited amounts of booty, to ensure our happiness. So now, why would people be sad when they speak of "the end of the world"?? Anyways, I digress.

I also thought of my homie, who shared a similar story, in the sense that he inadvertently passed on the booty!! It was the homie's birthday and for some reason he wasn’t planning on spending the night with his girl, so he passed on her offer to joining her. His girl then sends him a text the next day telling him that he missed out on the surprise she had waiting for him!! When the homie asks what surprise this was, she tells him that she had arranged for him to join in on a threesome with her and her equally hot girlfriend. The homie was DEVASTATED!! He could not believe he missed out on such an opportunity. The nigga couldn’t eat for a week. Niggas kick themselves for realz yo!! You spend weeks not being able to look at yourself in the mirror properly because you let the booty get away.

I had to try and console niggas now though because I’m no longer buying that shit!! How come women are always offering these nice things to us but then when we try to acknowledge receipt, their offers suddenly disappear?? I suspect we all fall for the same traps. These girls are smarter than we think because maybe they have all these heaux conferences whereby they collectively strategize against our way-too-casual-asses!! I doubt she came up with that strategy by herself because, the more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of girls have pulled something similar and they always turn out to be pretty effective. These secret meetings of theirs need to stop pronto!! By offering the homie a threesome with her hot friend, not only determines whether his ass is thirsty for other girls but it also determines what his priorities are (nigga, that’s a check-mate). Now his ass is in trouble because he now has to answer to these crimes!! That is ‘Aiding and Abetting’ though and that shit is not admissible in court, so they can take an L shem.

My crush claims she sent me the most important message of our career (deal-breaker) and that message turned out to be the one message that I did not get to see?? Please, c’mon. Plus the white man’s technology will inform you when messages are not delivered due to network problems or whatever, so I ain’t going down like that!! White man’s technology 1; Crush 0. The reason why I know she was lying is because she showed me the alleged text without me even asking and a few days later when I was flirting with her, I brought up something about getting to see her naked and she’s like “NAH”!! So now I’m thinking, “didn’t you say you were offering me booty on a platter just a few days ago?? Unless I'm supposed to hit that with the lights off, giiiirl, you need to quite playing” You see how these girls mislead you fam?? They think they’re smart. She was just pissed because I had been avoiding her!! And the reason why I avoided her was totally beyond my control because it has to do with pride. She’s one of those yum yum’s who leaves your ass hanging in a convo with your tale in between your legs!! Not to say the convo would be boring or anything, but she’s just rude like that and lacks certain mannerisms.

The problem is I’m not one of those niggas who stands in line with the rest of these peasants!! If that’s the way she treats other niggas, then my ass is walking straight to the front of the line expecting special treatment. It’s either that or nothing!! I am not going to send messages and wait like everyone else for a response whenever she feels like it when I can see her ass is online. I’d rather distract myself with other heaux!! Maybe that’s the reason she treats me like I’m a yellowbone. These underhand tactics she’s trying to pull may work with yellowbones but they won’t work with me because A) I am way too thirsty to pass on booty like that (I would tear that ass up in a jiffy) and B) I take contracts very seriously so I make sure that I honour them!! I need to claim that booty while I rub hands like Birdman.

The audacity she had when she called me a “lil bitch” and told me that I am scared of her!! Okay, I may be a lil intimidated (that’s natural) but that’s because I am more insecure about rejection than handling my biz. She should try offer me booty in person and see what happens - 10bucks says I’ll knock that booty dafuq out. How many soldiers have fallen due to miscommunication with these broads!! The failure to acknowledge whether she wants you or she’s just wasting your time coz it’s 2016. Well, I ain’t her ordinary soldier and in fact she can call me her mercenary (sent from her fantasy to deliver shake shakes like she’s got Parkinson’s disease). The next time she even thinks of undermining my swag I’m gonna show her flames, ya heard #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage       

Polyandry

1^st time I heard this word “polyandry” I swear I was worried because I thought it’s a new and advanced lie detector!! I was like, “ohh shit, these federal agents have got us now”. There is zero way of cheating polygrams because there is some new sophisticated technology now!! Okay, I might have also thought the word describes a lot of bitches doing a nigga’s laundry.

I didn’t know wtf to think!! I was like, “wait a minute nigga. Poly what?? Poly who??” Then I see fuccboi’s on social media talmabout “gender equality” and how bitches deserve to throw the pussy too!! Like, I don’t understand why women would want to compete with men in every bad thing men do. 2 wrongs don’t make a right, so we should be condemning these type of practices either way!!

I really don’t know what this world is coming to because everything has become too confusing!! I used to think people like Kanye West had the biggest ego but now I’m not sure what ego is no more. I mean, this nigga Ye went from dating a stripper, to cuffing a broad who has been around with all these celebrities!! I heard a rumour the other day that Kim K has even hooked up with Bow Wow before. BOW WOW nigga!! Now wow, how. How does a man feel about having children with his wife who made such poor decisions?? Like, Bow Wow has remained a kid since he came out with “That’s My Name”. So this nigga Yeezy settled with a chick who is a cradle-snatcher, she has a sextape with the biggest fuccboi the world has ever seen, she’s been married before (as brief as it was), she continues to do nudes with her phat ass and her mother is a whore!!

Honestly now, I no longer know what ego is no more. This man Ye used to be the face of ego!! It was no surprise when Beyonce chose him to feature on her song “Ego”. But now he trippin’!! The other week he had the audacity to call out Wiz Khalifa (who just so happens to be his ex’s baby mama) for being “trapped by a stripper”. Lmfao, I died!! This nigga Kanye is crazy fam. He goes on to tell Wiz that he owns his son and everyone is like, “so how does that logic apply for Ray J??” The nigga went on the biggest rant on twitter, making like 17 points about how much more awesome he is (well, so he thinks). This nigga has been performing in dresses, he called out Wiz for thinking he can wear skinny jeans like him, he brought out the 808’s and Heartbreak, I could go on and on!! Mr West is something special I tell you. This nigga is gunning for Protus!!

So, let me get back to this polyandry. The way things are going I wouldn’t be surprised if niggas like Kanye West become victims of this practice!! The signs are all there. There are clearly niggas out there who don’t mind crossing swords!! Or a nigga might be coming back home from work and having to call dibs on his wife. Like, zero pride or dignity whatsoever!! Where are we heading as people?? Is it cool for your spouse to ration you now?? Are you limited to a certain amount of strokes or there’s a certain calendar schedule that does not conflict with her cycle??

I know the question ya’ll want to know is whether I would marry more than 1 woman. Like, am I one of the guys on the waiting list for visa applications to Eritrea?? I know the bitches there are Bad too – I seen em. I would have zero complaints if I was confined by law to stack up on my bitches – are you kidding me!! I have always been a law abiding citizen and a Good Samaritan. I would do the government so proud that they wouldn’t even worry about my tax returns no more (someone needs to save the heaux)!!

I think 1gina leads to too much stress related issues!! I believe that due to our respective hormones a man should be able to switch up whenever PMS is involved, for his own health and safety. We are living in very stressful times with this dire economy, so the last thing that men should have to go through is irrational and unreasonable behaviour!! This is just my 2cents worth. You can tell that a man experiencing 1gina is suffering and receiving a lot of strain. These are serious issues that we need to consider because men need some diversity from time to time!! With 1gina you become accustomed to the same ol’ moves until it gets boring and your life becomes miserable. It’s time to reconsider whether this is healthy for our future #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage