No Prior Convictions

I look around and all I see is friends with prior felonies and I am just here with a clean record. These niggas have done proper dirt and I feel like I am being judged now for not having earned my stripes.

I have this one friend whom I was chilling with the one time, when he received a call, telling that other person on the other line to “Voetsek”!! Shortly after that he hangs up and I’m expecting the nigga to be agitated but nah suhn, he’s calm as nowaday’s side chicks. So now, I’m trying to poke for answers like “ey fam, them insurance people can be quite annoying huh??” but the nigga just brushes it off like “whatchu talmabout?? That was just some village broad I tapped a while back. So she was calling to tell me that she’s pregnant”. Then he carries on eating his pie like that’s his only priority at that moment!! No further explanation, no remorse shown, nada. This nigga gave zero fuxx boi. He had his savage levels on D fault (see what I did there)!! It is at this point when I realized that this nigga treats his broads the same way he eats his pies. As soon as he’s done enjoying it, he just leaves all the crumbs there for someone else to clean up.

THIS NIGGA bruh!! That was on some real thuggish shit right there. So now I’m chilling with all these ‘thots’ running through my mind like “how often does this nigga receive these type of calls; Poor village broads; Lemme not get involved; This nigga way too chilled right now”. Ma nigga seemed more concerned about burning his nigga lips with the pie than he did receiving that call!! Like all he was thinking was “damn, I knew I shouldn’t have kept this pie inside the microwave for less longer”. This nigga left me there all dumbstruck wondering how he’s not even curious whether or not it’s his child, so I just decided to let it go and held my peace.

The other friend of mine unashamedly fell in love with a damn pterodactyl like it was no thang!! To make things worse, he kept selling it dreams (DURING THE PEOPLE) and he refused to let go of it. Me, I honestly thought these things were extinct but I saw it live with my own eyes!! I never knew it was possible for something to be that ugly and be loved with so much devotion at the same damn time. This was deeper than just philanthropic work!! This nigga was heading towards being on front of Times magazine cover.

Basically, when I met this pterodactyl I was already agitated with my friend coz he had been inebriated to a point of zero return (maybe drugs even) and so he was ungovernable!! This nigga was in the zone boi. Never had I heard so many bombs being dropped on a chekita (who does not deserve it), and not to mention the pure chivalry and respect shown towards this fossil species!! Ma nigga was straight up convincing this thing that it is the only thing in the world that matters to him. He was even trying to get me to vouch for him. The homie was like “Mosta Pi, how long have you known me dawg?? Have you ever seem me like this?? Tell her, as my best friend, that this is love dawg” and I’m there looking at him like “please don’t do this” (like I have a gun to my head). This girl was just butt-ugly guys!! I was actually contemplating on disowning my friend because at some stage he even had me convinced that this girl is the one. The way he was going on, and on, and on, just seemed like this shit was really coming from the heart!! I couldn’t help but think if maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if I just bring this thing down with a tranquilizer gun so we can escape. But truth be told ma nigga would’ve held on to it for dear life.

Now I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I haven’t committed such heinous crimes as my friends have. I feel like I still need to live a little so please wish me luck #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage