Gram Nake

It really does go down in the DM!! I witnessed this ish live, for real. Them DM's provide a platform for proper powder hey!! These thirsty bitches stay ready to get launched like they're on standby.


This past weekend we were celebrating my boi's bday and this bday boi is TOO ungovernable!! Anyways, so we had to do best by organising booty for him since down was touching down from outta town. We've got this homie of ours who's always doing best with providing buttocks!! I used to do best with that task but now this homie has gladly taken up the ranks. I call him the Gram Sniper and all his Instagram hoes I refer to as Gram Grams!! I always imagine him dropping some straight forwards lines when he's launching them coz there's so much booty on The Gram so he can't afford to be delaying with powder. He nees to spray them bullets of love like a machine gun on some (bombs in the DM) "let's not play these games!! I likes ya, and I wants ya. We can do this the easy way or the hard way". And you know bitches love attention so they will standard respond!! Personally, if it were me I would just straight up be on some (my bombs in the DM) "is there any reason why I can't capture your buttock?? I mean, I am just a wounded boy from the village, I ain't come with no milk, no cookies!! Nothing. But I likes ya and I wants ya". Any reasonable Gram Gram would surely throw that pussy at me like I just dropped some R&B.


Social media has really changed the game though. This other weekend my friend was busy showing me all the buttocks he had captured via Tinder!! Homeboy was showing me the nudes these shorties sent him and I had to match the profiles with them titties on some "nigga, you ain't never lied a day in yo life!! This some real shit right here". I mean, i'm from the village so booty isn't as accessible as it is with these apps!! I am still throwing pebbles at shorty's windows just to catch their attention. The struggle is real fam!! While niggas are outchea in the big city doing the most.


Anyways, so as we're busy celebrating with bday boi this past weekend when Gram Grams turned up not only looking fly than a motherfucker, but also in numbers like it's a party, party, paaaarday!! I've never felt so much joy. When cyber booty turns into flesh it's the most beautiful phenomena between nature and technology!! And the thing about accessible booty is that you can choose it like you're picking a food menu. Fam, the one Gram Gram even brought her Alaskan friend with and she seemed fascinated to be around so many bolacks. I won't lie, I think every bolack guy there wanted a piece of that pork chop just to cheat on our staple diet!! Either way, there was plenty of food to go around so we could all feast. Plus the Gram Grams actually put out hey!! It's not like they were just there to tickle balls and get 'likes'. Plenty of homies came right by getting to poke, poke!! The Gram Grams are the future i'm telling you.


I think I was actually the only one there who didn't feast properly though. I tried to nibble on a piece of meat but bday boi decided to be greedy and grab my piece out of my hand so I got over that mean - I decided he could keep it shem. I am sure I have told you before about how I have a 100% rate with kissing girls every time I walk with them to the bathroom neh?? Well, that's exactly how I managed to win with the one broad who was with within the squad but the bday boi was so ungovernable that he lunged into her right after I had kissed her, and even worse, it happened while I was still speaking to her. I am mid speech with this shorty while this predator comes out of nowhere fam!! This guy is such a savage he was kissing busy like 6 broads and they were all pretty much entertaining him!! He was there like *Rhaaa!! Panda, panda, panda, panda*


I was never ready with my slow powder. Bday boi came out to massacre the whole squad with bullets of love!! At some stage all I could think was how much I envy his envy. Bitches love that wild shit!! Any female who open her mouth in site, bday boi was ready to lunge. And the thing is, he lunges for like 3secs and then he goes and finds positions himself for another broad to lunge on!! Dude was on form shem. When I grow up I want to be like him!! It taught me a lot about bitches. You need to have energy and catch these hoes off guard!! They should be kept on their toes the whole time not knowing what it is you're going to do next. And you dominate all of them and watch them all chase you like pigeons!! Mxim, I am actually bitter coz bday boi was living and I just didn't have the energy that he had. In retrospect, maybe he was on something that I wasn't on!! Lol. Lemme not sound like a hater coz I was genuinely happy for the boi!! That's how bday's should be spent.


By the end of the night so many of us were wounded though!! We spent R15K at predrinks before the club and another R15K at the club. By the time the bill at the club came, okes were pretending to be passed out, some were pretending to chunder and others threw themselves into fights and came back with torn shirts!! You would be amazed at how far people are willing to go when they see flames with the bill. All of a sudden niggas is narcoleptic and shit!! Smdh. Others probably even left the fly tasties we were busy chilling with for ugly fat bitches somewhere in the club, just to save themselves from any embarrassment!! Next thing a nigga is waking up the next morning with poor decisions next to them on the bed, just because the bill was too steep. Unfortunately, one of us decided to take most of the weight on their should and even the ones who helped with the remaining balance were still coughing out quite a lot so it was just a mess.


Eventually we took a convoy of 3 cabs to one of the homie's apartments which was just a few streets down the road from the club and even then we still paid ridiculous amounts (so that was yet another poor decision). In fact, once we all arrived at the apartment we realized that we still want food so one of the cabs did missions for us to order pizza for the squad!!


All in all, it was a very epic night filled with lots of drama and comedic stunts. The vibe continued for 3days but we shall save that for another day!! Lol #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage

Uber Skirt

A lot of girls keep telling me i'm crazy!! So every time I hear that I think "bitch, do you want this D or not??" I am pretty certain it's because I get straight to the point. Zero beating around the bush with me!! Them hairy Eryka Badhu bitches can get it too.

So, the other day I was waiting on an Uber to take me to my friend's bday celebration when I noticed that the Uber driver is a black shorty!! When I 1st sassed her out on the app picture she already looked appealing so I was like "SCORE". I ain't een know they had them like that so I was very surprised (I even did they Riley Booty Dance to express my joy)!! I just told myself that when this Uber arrives i'ma spray bullets of love and drop bombs like it's a suicide up in this bitch (she was never ready)!! Best believe I had intentions of an extremist.

Anyways, so the Uber eventually arrives and I get straight to it with the small talk!! It's easy enough to flirt with waitresses so now picture hollering at a random shorty whom you are rolling with in the car, solo, like you're cruising down the boulevard - I swear it felt like Christmas.

Our destination was not that far even so I knew I had to make sure that I am not wasting time with all this gun powder but bring out the proper bullets which fire like an Uzzi. I told her i'm from outta town and asked where does she recommend I go on the weekend and all that!! From her answers I noticed that this one likes things and I just so happened to have a digital flyer (for the Red Bull events) on my phone. She was keen!! I sent it to her on her Whatsapp and just like that I was in like it's a robbery *rubs hands like Birdman*!! Shorty then drops me at my destination and I'm thinking "I have already scored digits before I even arrive to the jam!! Tonight's going to be a good night".

Anyways, a couple of days go by so now i'm going through my Whatsapp trying to organize booty stock for a friend's braai. So I come across this Uber shorty but i'm like "nah, she can chill for now". Timing is everything plus I can't be inviting an Uber driver to secluded vibes!! My people will ask too many questions (especially the girls who know me). I hardly know this bitch, like chill fam!! Holler at them other shorties.

Fast forward a couple days later when I notice this Uber chick's Whatsapp dp and she's posing with another delicious broad who looks younger, and looks like she baths in buttermilk. The type of yum yum that you decide you will not pull out even if her man walked in because you already decided you would be going balls deep from the moment you saw her. I swear I had already had my arsenal ready and my only intention was to empty those chambers of love all over that ass!! Now I need to drop a Whatsapp at this Uber chick.

I could've tried to waste time with gun powder but I was like fuck this shit, lemme grab a semi-automatic real quick. Mind you, this is the 1st time I have hollered at her since she dropped the last time!! So your boi is like "hey, who is that shorty you are with on your dp!! She's such a Bad Bad". Shorty responds with "Lol, that's my lil cousin"!! So I responded with "word?? Well, she can get it shem. What are ya'll doing this weekend??" And then she blue ticks me (at the time of writing this she still hasn't responded).

I ain't sweating this whole getting blue ticked thing coz I know my job is done. I was bold so now I am 'that guy' to her!! She may as well change my name to "Deez Nuts" coz now she knows your boi has zero chill. All I need to do now is let the marinade simmer while I decide what I would like to put on the plate when I finally decide to start the grill for this flame!! Trust me, I know what I am doing.

The thing with these broads is they are used to all these guys coming through with proper gun powder!! These guys will take their time, find cover, pour gun powder straight down the barrel, throw one bullet in, poke, and aim at one target!! Me, i'm trigger happy suhn. I've got so much ammunition I just want to go straight onto the field and spray bullets simultaneously and aim recklessly!! I am zero taking cover and I ain't about all this primitive shit. In this day and age there are way too many targets waiting to be taken down so you need to spread them bullets of love as effectively as you can!! This is how it is supposed to be #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage #BulletsOfLove #UberBooty

Small Boys (Gunners)

Arsenal fans are outchea talmabout "Man Utd spends a lot of money"!! Dafuq??

Nigga, 1st of all, worry about yo damn self. 2ndly, if you're a miser then that's fine, but don't now go around criticizing other peeps for spending money which they have just because they are getting booty and you're NOT!! At least have something substantial to show for being such a miser instead of going around bashing others.

Arsenal fans are a bunch of small boys bruh!! Which is why, if you may please allow, I would like to compare them to Lil Bow Wow. You see, these games are all the same if you think about it. The Champions League is like Rihanna, the Premier League is like Kim Kardashian and the FA Cup is like Ciara!!

Hypothetically speaking, let's just say rappers get to go out on dates with all these broads. Lil Bow Wow can't now be criticizing others for spending money on these broads just because he used to fuck Kim K donkey years ago and now he managed to chow Ciara again just recently but has never ever even felt the breast of Riri!! Whatchu know about Riri's breasts suhn?? The rest of the homies beeen skeet skeeting but he hasn't. He only gets to go on dates and see them titties like he's in a strip clup.

Then you get Kim K, who happened to just recently get chowed by Ray J aka Leicester City!! We all know Ray J was on form with all those ratchet broads in them other small lil leagues, but we never expected him to just bounce up on that Kim K booty so swiftly like he did. We was impressed nahmean. And he did it in style with the sextape and low budget too, but we all know that nigga can never hit that shit ever again. He should just go back to all them other ratchets where he belongs.

Kim K has been with a lot of niggas (we all know she's loose) but everyone knows she now belongs to Kanye aka Man Utd. Ye has hit it the most and you might as well concede that he has officially trapped that phat ass now!! So the rest of ya'll can just forget shem.

And yes, Ye is not shy with his spending hey!! Lil Bow Wow needs to sit dafuq down with his small boy mentality and watch how grown ups do. This Yippie Yo, Yippie Ye motherfucker needs to stop fucking with crayons before he ends up with permanent dry balls!!

Lil Bow can't even stunt on us with Ciara coz Ciara is just another crazy hoe and her box is probably trash. So many random niggas can even hit it so there's nothing to gloat about when tap dat!! She can be all glamorous after you just hit it but nothing to really be proud of unless she's just a side piece. There are niggas like Ye who have captured all three buttocks before i.e. Riri, Kim K and Ciara all practicing polygamy with Ye!!

This is the real difference between Ye and Lil Bow Wow. Lil Bow Wow should stop concerning himself with how Ye spends his money and rather focus on how Ray J is gonna be chowing all them other ratchets whom he actually stands a chance with!! Otherwise, Lil Bow Wow will keep going on dates every season just salivating on booty which is way out of his budget #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage

Appreciate

So, apparently you will get the biggest culture shock when clubbing in between Joburg and Lagos.

When Joburg niggas go to clubbing in Lagos, the women there will approach you, no matter even if it is not your birthday!! A cute-ass shorty will come there to you, looking all sexy and shit, leading the conversation like it’s an interview and then all of a sudden.. BOOM!! She wants you to “appreciate” her?? That time you’re confused on some, “oh, what?? You want this D now” and she’s like “nah nigga, I just want straight cash. I don’t do e-Wallets”. Like, a nigga won’t be able to comprehend what kind of exchange involving 2 opposite sexes, which requires you to give her cash without her getting your dick wet!! Like, “hol’ up bitch, for what now?? All you said to me was that I look like a warrior. You can’t expect me to give you cash for just tickling my balls!! At least allow me to just insert the tip”.

But this is Lagos ma nigga. And there they don’t play like that!! A random woman will just come to you, looking all fine and shit, strike a conversation, and leave you with your tale between your legs like Merry Christmas. They call these “runs” that side!! I guess it’s an appropriate word for when your money gets taken from you and the booty gets away. Shit is too real!! You better pray she had on some nice perfume coz that’s the only thing you will be appreciating. No grabbing of ass cheeks, no kiss, no booty, nothing!! You may as well even forget about how she boasted your ego earlier by calling you a “warrior”. That shit faded like a gay person’s compliment (to a straight guy) - there’s nowhere were this is going!!

Now, take the other example of a Lagos nigga in Joburg!! These niggas are something else and they are actually “blessing” Joburg culture. A nigga will go up to a flame up in the club and drop stacks on a shorty just to “appreciate” her. Now, Joburg girls will be so excited about the cash that she’ll be on some “you want this booty daddy??”, feeling all obliged and shit but this dirty motherfucker will just be on some “NAH, nooo, eeeuuuww, what’s wrong with you?? Put that booty away!! I am just appreciating you. No need for you to behave in such an undignified manner”. Girls in Jhb be living like everyday is Christmas suhn!! This Blesser culture has them tripping yo. Why do you think so many of them lurk around clubs all day everyday?? Because they get “appreciated” like tax, that’s why. Like they are worth something yet all they do is breathe. Ma nigga, they don’t een need to shake their asses or nothing!! Homies from Lagos be like, “I’ma pop these bottles, just for you; Drop some pocket-change stacks, just for you; Organize a lift home, just for you; And take you shopping soon, just for you.” That time, this nigga has never een seen her drop on her kness and show her tonsils!! I swear these guys are the reason why they girls are so stuck up and too damn spoilt. You can’t even buy a Streetwise 2 (maybe even faka an extra piece) in exchange for booty no more!! The game done changed.

Ma nigga, Lagos niggas in Jhb are actually the messiahs!! Thanks to them, women have been empowered. And the thing is, they don’t even drink!! So they go to the club, call shorties up, and sponsor a Turn Up (which they are technically not part of). All they want is for these girls to have fun and that’s what makes them happy!! No asking girls to kiss each other or nothing. No motor-boat action on them big ol’ titties like someone is drowning!! Or what, ooh, ooh, ooh, my personal favourite, no asking them to bend over like yoga and make that booty clap like saggy tits. Basically, anything these girls do in their VIP circle, is just a courtesy.  

What I have concluded is that Lagos men are actually the real MVP’s!! They don’t expect anything in return and they just give, give, give for free. None of this, “bitch, remember that one time I opened the door for you and your friend?? Now you both owe me sex. And I want a threesome”!! This approach can actually help defeat the rape culture which has been haunting society for so long. Don’t think if you spend money on random women without getting shit in return, that it’s a robbery. Niggas need to start changing their mentality and start “appreciating”!! Spend that money on random girls and do not expect anything in return. If a girl comes to you from across the room, with her fake hair and her wounded accent and she just wants to ‘chat’, then as a guy you are duty-bound to take her to the salon (so she can have her own hair) and pay her school tuition as well. At the end of the day, it’s all about “appreciating” as many women as possible to make the world a better place #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage                 

Forgive Me Lawd, For I Have Sinned

So on Friday night I was out getting my Turn Up on at the club. Not necessarily there to scout booty but hey, shit happens.

I was really taken by surprise when I noticed these 2 yum yums chilling in the VIP with my people!! I ain't never seen this particular talent before and to be honest I was starting to doubt whether they still made them like that anymore.

Anyways, them shits were proper!! Naturally, I decided to go see what's good and started dropping mad Nagasaki's on one of these broads so right there and then she have me signs that she wanted to have my babies.. in her mouth!!

Shorty and I spoke all night about the birds and the bees, making cheese and all them dope ass beats which were making plentiful booty pop the whole night. Meanwhile, I am busy there chilling in VIP, with this shorty and feeling like a judge on a contestant show, trying to assess whether these bitches really have talent or not.

Fast forward a couple of hours after that and they announced a live piercing going on in the actual club, near the stage, during the Turn Up, music banging and I'm like "damn. So they just gon' do it live like that during the people huh"!!

It is then when I came up with this brilliant idea to entice the buttock I was busy rapping to, so I'm like to shorty
"ey, how's about you go get them titties of yours done"
And she's like
"What??"
So I'm like
"Ohh, so you already have nipple piercings??"
She's like
"Nah"
And I'm like
"Then what the problem is!?"

Can we just pause for a second so I can start off by discussing her titties real quick!! Them balloons on her chest made me want to sing happy birthday to my damn self suhn. The way they were so nice with mad cleavage to excite!! I figured I should play the game I like playing with guessing broad's bra size. I went for 32 DD but she didn't want to play along and told me I'm making her feel uncomfortable!! Now I'm like "hawu, but it's just titties."

Now I'm thinking I should ask the question I've been avoiding to ask but I gotta find a way to buildup
Me: so, are you still studying
Bish: yeah, I am still in high school
Me: WHAT?? (sorry, I couldn't contain myself)
Bish: Yeah
Me: Have you even turned 18 yet
Bish: Nah
Me: *walks away*

And in my mind I'm thinking, "dafuq does this little girl think this is Mama's Shabeen". I was hacked fam!! Her and her friends where theee Baddest Bitches in the club (hands down). Later her friend even told me that I didn't remember her and I was shocked that she thot I knew her!! Only the next day it came back to me that she was the Primi broad I was going on about on Facebook. I had completely erased her from my memory after finding out her age but still, I had planned to retrieve her file after she a few years when she is ripe.

Anyways, now today so many memories are coming back of us chatting before I found out her age. And I remembered that she gave me her Instagram handle so I was supposed to invite her which I have just done and she has accepted already. Me I just want to admire the booty and that's it #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage

No Prior Convictions

I look around and all I see is friends with prior felonies and I am just here with a clean record. These niggas have done proper dirt and I feel like I am being judged now for not having earned my stripes.

I have this one friend whom I was chilling with the one time, when he received a call, telling that other person on the other line to “Voetsek”!! Shortly after that he hangs up and I’m expecting the nigga to be agitated but nah suhn, he’s calm as nowaday’s side chicks. So now, I’m trying to poke for answers like “ey fam, them insurance people can be quite annoying huh??” but the nigga just brushes it off like “whatchu talmabout?? That was just some village broad I tapped a while back. So she was calling to tell me that she’s pregnant”. Then he carries on eating his pie like that’s his only priority at that moment!! No further explanation, no remorse shown, nada. This nigga gave zero fuxx boi. He had his savage levels on D fault (see what I did there)!! It is at this point when I realized that this nigga treats his broads the same way he eats his pies. As soon as he’s done enjoying it, he just leaves all the crumbs there for someone else to clean up.

THIS NIGGA bruh!! That was on some real thuggish shit right there. So now I’m chilling with all these ‘thots’ running through my mind like “how often does this nigga receive these type of calls; Poor village broads; Lemme not get involved; This nigga way too chilled right now”. Ma nigga seemed more concerned about burning his nigga lips with the pie than he did receiving that call!! Like all he was thinking was “damn, I knew I shouldn’t have kept this pie inside the microwave for less longer”. This nigga left me there all dumbstruck wondering how he’s not even curious whether or not it’s his child, so I just decided to let it go and held my peace.

The other friend of mine unashamedly fell in love with a damn pterodactyl like it was no thang!! To make things worse, he kept selling it dreams (DURING THE PEOPLE) and he refused to let go of it. Me, I honestly thought these things were extinct but I saw it live with my own eyes!! I never knew it was possible for something to be that ugly and be loved with so much devotion at the same damn time. This was deeper than just philanthropic work!! This nigga was heading towards being on front of Times magazine cover.

Basically, when I met this pterodactyl I was already agitated with my friend coz he had been inebriated to a point of zero return (maybe drugs even) and so he was ungovernable!! This nigga was in the zone boi. Never had I heard so many bombs being dropped on a chekita (who does not deserve it), and not to mention the pure chivalry and respect shown towards this fossil species!! Ma nigga was straight up convincing this thing that it is the only thing in the world that matters to him. He was even trying to get me to vouch for him. The homie was like “Mosta Pi, how long have you known me dawg?? Have you ever seem me like this?? Tell her, as my best friend, that this is love dawg” and I’m there looking at him like “please don’t do this” (like I have a gun to my head). This girl was just butt-ugly guys!! I was actually contemplating on disowning my friend because at some stage he even had me convinced that this girl is the one. The way he was going on, and on, and on, just seemed like this shit was really coming from the heart!! I couldn’t help but think if maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if I just bring this thing down with a tranquilizer gun so we can escape. But truth be told ma nigga would’ve held on to it for dear life.

Now I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I haven’t committed such heinous crimes as my friends have. I feel like I still need to live a little so please wish me luck #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage  

Food For Thot

Why do bitches feel they gotta eat your food, wear your shirts, take your sentimental baby pictures etc. when they have their own damn shit they can focus on!? Do you know how many of my sentimental baby pics are missing because bitches decided to 'rob' me!! Like bitch, I can get you a copy or something if you want but please, not my authentic shit. Yo ass ain't gon' be here for much longer anyways. Smdh

Women are delusional fam!! I was waiting in a long line the other day and this woman (obviously black) started sharing this crazy intimate stuff, during the people, but I only caught on late because I had earphones on. Basically, she's telling people (in a jokey way) that her husband once beat her up because she hid his football gear or some shit!! This nigga came home from work expecting to play football with the homies or whatever, but this bitch had other plans for him. She told the nigga when he asked where his things were that she hid them because the nigga is always playing soccer and doesn't have time to spend time with her, so the nigga showed her what spending time with him really means and beat her silly ass!! In fact, he didn't just beat her ass because when she was telling this story she had to point out that she doesn't understand why homie beat her face and not her ass. 1st of all, I don't condone women abuse but that got me wondering, did she pull that stunt because she thought to herself "hmm, what's the worse that could happen. This nigga's probably just gon' beat my ass". It sounded like this bitch was really asking for it and she was even laughing when she was telling the story. That nigga straight up took her by surprise (she really didn't expect it)!! I’ve always wondered what warrants such irrational behaviour.

The thing about this woman is she was really way in over her head!! She said she confronted the nigga afterwards telling him that he made it clear that he loves soccer way more than he loves her. Like, really bitch?? This nigga probably came home from a rough day at work and all he could think of, when he knocks off, is getting home and playing soccer with the gents to relieve all that stress. Only for him to come home to an ungrateful-ass bitch who is refusing him to be great!! Lol. She busy her talmabout “spend time with me” and nigga was like, “Bitch, I spend time with you all day, everyday!! I provides foods, I provides sleeps, I provides attention etc. what more do you want”. This nigga probably straight up lost it fam!! She’s busy here not appreciating all the things a nigga do and all he ever asked for is a moment to play some football with the boys. Hahaha, agian, I am not trying to justify woman abuse.

Ion een know if women realize how much men sacrifice for them fam. Do they think its nice when niggas don’t have any space to breathe!! Like their nut suck is suffocating. Always home all the time, listening to stories about how her girlfriends disrespected her, only to find that the next day she’s all buddy buddy with that same bitch she was just bad mouthing again!! Smdh. When yo ass try to hustle extra just so that you can provide for her lifestyle, then she’s all up in yo face again trippin’ about how much you don’t love her coz you don’t spend enough time with her. Ain’t that some shit. Then they wonder why they ass get beat!! Lol

When niggas spend and send gifts and all that shit, do women think a nigga is doing it because he can afford to?? No dafuq he isn’t!! This nigga is busy here feeling like Judas because he outchea doing this shit while his mama (who sacrificed Lord knows what for him) continues to endure the struggle. This nigga turned his back on his mama for some unappreciative bitch who can’t even allow him to enjoy himself once in a while!! Like, this ain’t a movie dawg. There are much bigger issues than providing you with excessive attention. What yo ass need to do is be more appreciative and stop taking things for granted!! Try to be more understanding and then just maybe yo ass won’t have to worry about yo man creeping with side chicks.

Lol, that opening paragraph was a joke by the way!! I needed to set the tone for this shit and I hope I got through to ya’ll. It’s okay to do all that shit if you’re being cute but at the same time a nigga also gotta eat when he’s hungry, ya dig. This is a public service announcement so peace #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage

Jolling

In Sesotho, the slang word for dating is “oa jola” which loosely translates to “you’re jolling”. So basically, some relationships are just play play!! Niggas is outchea exploiting booty. There is zero reason to settle for just one buttock.

Ion even know why bitches think pussy is justifiable for trapping niggas, considering the fact that people enjoy their constitutional right of ‘Freedom of Association’. Bitches outchea violating the constitution like it wasn’t entrenched by people who fought HARD for freedom!! How dare they undermine the Bill of Rights in the manner in which they do.

You know, trapping is a funny thing!! I am going to share with you what it all comes down to and the answer is “personality”. Having said that, ain’t nobody ever learnt personality from chowing pussy!! I am not condoning the whole 90 day rule thing neither but personality is best obtained when people open up to each other (and not just their legs). That chemistry is what I’m talmabout. If you are generous with the pussy then that also looks good for you personality because then you don’t seem like you’re a stingy bitch!! Other children are outchea jolling fam, so hop on board. Personality is tested by how you socialize - so fill up the bendo.

The problem is where it all starts. When two people become attracted to each other, it usually takes a combination of lust and realization, respectively!! Between the two of you, chances are, the one already considers the other as their crush, and the other didn’t really know what to think until he/she came to the realization that the other is actually quite a decent person. Like for example, from a guy’s perceptive, you might holler at your crush like “waddup”. And she takes forever to respond because she isn’t interested, so you hit her back with some more “bitch, I said waddup”!! And then naturally she gives you an “E” for effort – meaning great success. Then she be realizing that you’re actually quite a stand up guy, so you catch her attention and she starts missing yo wounded ass and then your battery becomes “dead” all of a sudden, because you need to entertain them other bitches who were keeping you busy while your crush was busy ignoring you.

Most times, guys just want booty out of curiosity and then chances are they will either, come to the realization that she’s got an awesome personality, or she's just a trap queen (which automatically promotes her to the title of Default Booty)!! This curiosity thing is real talk fam. Males are accustomed to visual attraction, so when that booty is seeming like it has a mind of its own, when she walks, all aggressive up in yo area, you just want to see whether it can be tamed or not. Niggas just want to up their levels. Sometimes you can even be cool with your friend gathering data on your behalf (like you gave him an assignment) just so you can be satisfied with knowing whether she's a “yay or nay”. Not all booty is worth the effort!! Some of these girls are just not worth it, usually because even though they may look fine, they are still way too ratchet. That’s why you always hear guys asking each other whether they would “hit it” or not. It can range from whether that bitch is disposable or not, or it can also come down to you willing to slap yo grandmamma just to get a shot at that. Niggas are pretty much savage!! Girl’s looks are only appealing for showboating but otherwise we ain’t trying to be stuck with some dumb bitch. Basically, we just want to be able to be like “yeah, I sampled that” so homies can come up to you like you’re a brand ambassador now!! That time you’re ambitious too.

So, I would like to conclude that we should learn to differentiate between “jolling” and “dating”. You “jol” with someone you lust and you “date” someone with a personality that qualifies them to become a parent of your child!! Too much “jolling” gets out of hand with peeps trapping heaux these days, and I suppose vice versa with peeps “dating” for all the wrong reasons because there is chemistry but niggas just ain’t ready. Some bad habits may be hard to get out of your system. All I know is Bae can drive anybody cray #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage     

Mixed Signals

Women are hard to get!! Their mindset is so complex that you can’t understand their logic, their behaviour and their mood. It’s no wonder guys are always fucking up!! Shit is just too damn complicated.

The other day, some shorty (who also happens to be my crush) claims she sent me a message, which practically implied that she’s throwing the booty at me, and I didn’t respond!! Well, this is according to her. She even went as far as calling me a “lil bitch”!! Can you imagine my dismay when I heard all of this. I was like, there is zero ways I would pass on that booty even if I had a drip on in my hospital bed - I would instantly get healthy again!!

The thing is though, there has been an incident like this before whereby I literally passed out on the booty!! I am still traumatized till this day so when she accused me of this shit, I felt a little vulnerable. The 1^st time this shit happened, it was a couple of years back and I was passed out at our flat, on the couch!! Apparently, shorty at the time came into the flat, saw me passed out, tried to wake me up (to no prevail) and left a note before she bounced. When I woke up I saw her texts claiming she did all of this and I was like, “THERE IS NO WAYS!! BITCH, WHY ARE YOU LION” She said I had left the door unlocked (and she was right), and she said she left a note (and I saw the note right in front of me)!! I couldn’t believe this shit. I consider myself a light sleeper (even when I’m drunk, which had been the case in this story) but the fact that everything she claimed checked out and felt like it was the end of the world. Actually, let me touch a little on this whole “end of the world’’ phrase!! Doesn’t it derive from the coming back of Jesus Christ?? From what I remember, that occasion is supposed to be lit because that’s when the Kingdom of Heaven descends and all the thugs get to live in paradise (next to Tupac and Biggy) for eternity, with unlimited amounts of booty, to ensure our happiness. So now, why would people be sad when they speak of "the end of the world"?? Anyways, I digress.

I also thought of my homie, who shared a similar story, in the sense that he inadvertently passed on the booty!! It was the homie's birthday and for some reason he wasn’t planning on spending the night with his girl, so he passed on her offer to joining her. His girl then sends him a text the next day telling him that he missed out on the surprise she had waiting for him!! When the homie asks what surprise this was, she tells him that she had arranged for him to join in on a threesome with her and her equally hot girlfriend. The homie was DEVASTATED!! He could not believe he missed out on such an opportunity. The nigga couldn’t eat for a week. Niggas kick themselves for realz yo!! You spend weeks not being able to look at yourself in the mirror properly because you let the booty get away.

I had to try and console niggas now though because I’m no longer buying that shit!! How come women are always offering these nice things to us but then when we try to acknowledge receipt, their offers suddenly disappear?? I suspect we all fall for the same traps. These girls are smarter than we think because maybe they have all these heaux conferences whereby they collectively strategize against our way-too-casual-asses!! I doubt she came up with that strategy by herself because, the more I think about it, the more I realize that a lot of girls have pulled something similar and they always turn out to be pretty effective. These secret meetings of theirs need to stop pronto!! By offering the homie a threesome with her hot friend, not only determines whether his ass is thirsty for other girls but it also determines what his priorities are (nigga, that’s a check-mate). Now his ass is in trouble because he now has to answer to these crimes!! That is ‘Aiding and Abetting’ though and that shit is not admissible in court, so they can take an L shem.

My crush claims she sent me the most important message of our career (deal-breaker) and that message turned out to be the one message that I did not get to see?? Please, c’mon. Plus the white man’s technology will inform you when messages are not delivered due to network problems or whatever, so I ain’t going down like that!! White man’s technology 1; Crush 0. The reason why I know she was lying is because she showed me the alleged text without me even asking and a few days later when I was flirting with her, I brought up something about getting to see her naked and she’s like “NAH”!! So now I’m thinking, “didn’t you say you were offering me booty on a platter just a few days ago?? Unless I'm supposed to hit that with the lights off, giiiirl, you need to quite playing” You see how these girls mislead you fam?? They think they’re smart. She was just pissed because I had been avoiding her!! And the reason why I avoided her was totally beyond my control because it has to do with pride. She’s one of those yum yum’s who leaves your ass hanging in a convo with your tale in between your legs!! Not to say the convo would be boring or anything, but she’s just rude like that and lacks certain mannerisms.

The problem is I’m not one of those niggas who stands in line with the rest of these peasants!! If that’s the way she treats other niggas, then my ass is walking straight to the front of the line expecting special treatment. It’s either that or nothing!! I am not going to send messages and wait like everyone else for a response whenever she feels like it when I can see her ass is online. I’d rather distract myself with other heaux!! Maybe that’s the reason she treats me like I’m a yellowbone. These underhand tactics she’s trying to pull may work with yellowbones but they won’t work with me because A) I am way too thirsty to pass on booty like that (I would tear that ass up in a jiffy) and B) I take contracts very seriously so I make sure that I honour them!! I need to claim that booty while I rub hands like Birdman.

The audacity she had when she called me a “lil bitch” and told me that I am scared of her!! Okay, I may be a lil intimidated (that’s natural) but that’s because I am more insecure about rejection than handling my biz. She should try offer me booty in person and see what happens - 10bucks says I’ll knock that booty dafuq out. How many soldiers have fallen due to miscommunication with these broads!! The failure to acknowledge whether she wants you or she’s just wasting your time coz it’s 2016. Well, I ain’t her ordinary soldier and in fact she can call me her mercenary (sent from her fantasy to deliver shake shakes like she’s got Parkinson’s disease). The next time she even thinks of undermining my swag I’m gonna show her flames, ya heard #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage       

Polyandry

1^st time I heard this word “polyandry” I swear I was worried because I thought it’s a new and advanced lie detector!! I was like, “ohh shit, these federal agents have got us now”. There is zero way of cheating polygrams because there is some new sophisticated technology now!! Okay, I might have also thought the word describes a lot of bitches doing a nigga’s laundry.

I didn’t know wtf to think!! I was like, “wait a minute nigga. Poly what?? Poly who??” Then I see fuccboi’s on social media talmabout “gender equality” and how bitches deserve to throw the pussy too!! Like, I don’t understand why women would want to compete with men in every bad thing men do. 2 wrongs don’t make a right, so we should be condemning these type of practices either way!!

I really don’t know what this world is coming to because everything has become too confusing!! I used to think people like Kanye West had the biggest ego but now I’m not sure what ego is no more. I mean, this nigga Ye went from dating a stripper, to cuffing a broad who has been around with all these celebrities!! I heard a rumour the other day that Kim K has even hooked up with Bow Wow before. BOW WOW nigga!! Now wow, how. How does a man feel about having children with his wife who made such poor decisions?? Like, Bow Wow has remained a kid since he came out with “That’s My Name”. So this nigga Yeezy settled with a chick who is a cradle-snatcher, she has a sextape with the biggest fuccboi the world has ever seen, she’s been married before (as brief as it was), she continues to do nudes with her phat ass and her mother is a whore!!

Honestly now, I no longer know what ego is no more. This man Ye used to be the face of ego!! It was no surprise when Beyonce chose him to feature on her song “Ego”. But now he trippin’!! The other week he had the audacity to call out Wiz Khalifa (who just so happens to be his ex’s baby mama) for being “trapped by a stripper”. Lmfao, I died!! This nigga Kanye is crazy fam. He goes on to tell Wiz that he owns his son and everyone is like, “so how does that logic apply for Ray J??” The nigga went on the biggest rant on twitter, making like 17 points about how much more awesome he is (well, so he thinks). This nigga has been performing in dresses, he called out Wiz for thinking he can wear skinny jeans like him, he brought out the 808’s and Heartbreak, I could go on and on!! Mr West is something special I tell you. This nigga is gunning for Protus!!

So, let me get back to this polyandry. The way things are going I wouldn’t be surprised if niggas like Kanye West become victims of this practice!! The signs are all there. There are clearly niggas out there who don’t mind crossing swords!! Or a nigga might be coming back home from work and having to call dibs on his wife. Like, zero pride or dignity whatsoever!! Where are we heading as people?? Is it cool for your spouse to ration you now?? Are you limited to a certain amount of strokes or there’s a certain calendar schedule that does not conflict with her cycle??

I know the question ya’ll want to know is whether I would marry more than 1 woman. Like, am I one of the guys on the waiting list for visa applications to Eritrea?? I know the bitches there are Bad too – I seen em. I would have zero complaints if I was confined by law to stack up on my bitches – are you kidding me!! I have always been a law abiding citizen and a Good Samaritan. I would do the government so proud that they wouldn’t even worry about my tax returns no more (someone needs to save the heaux)!!

I think 1gina leads to too much stress related issues!! I believe that due to our respective hormones a man should be able to switch up whenever PMS is involved, for his own health and safety. We are living in very stressful times with this dire economy, so the last thing that men should have to go through is irrational and unreasonable behaviour!! This is just my 2cents worth. You can tell that a man experiencing 1gina is suffering and receiving a lot of strain. These are serious issues that we need to consider because men need some diversity from time to time!! With 1gina you become accustomed to the same ol’ moves until it gets boring and your life becomes miserable. It’s time to reconsider whether this is healthy for our future #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage   

Doggy (via Facebook)

#StoryTime I have this one friend (let's call him Ray) who is the best at hosting niggas!! So this one time, he tells me he was hosting one of his cousins who is considerably older than him and also happens to be married. None the less, my friend (being my friend) decides to do his usual hosting stunts and organizes this cousin of his some buttocks during his stay!!

Eventually, Ray organizes the buttocks and drops this cousin of his at some shorty's place (I swear the homie Ray is something like a P-I-M-P) and leaves the 2 to do their thing so that his cousin can 'cum' right. The plan was that the cousin would call when he's done so that Ray can come pick him up and that's exactly what ended up happening!!

So now, on the way back from Ray picking the cousin up, the car is silent and it seems like something is really bothering the cousin but neither of them want to break the silence. But now, Ray is busy thinking maybe this was awkward for his cousin coz homie just cheated on his wife so the best thing to do is just to allow him to reflect on the nyolz he has just done!! Lol.

A couple of minutes later the cousin eventually decides to break the silence and he's on some, "Ray!!" And Ray is like "what??" The cousin keeps quiet. Another few minutes pass and the cousin keeps going back and forth calling for attention like he needs to express something that is bothering him but he just can't find the words or know where to begin!! Eventually, the cousin is like "Ray!!" now Ray is a bit agitated and he's like "guy, what?? Speak!! If you've got something to say then say it". Then the cousin is like, "dude, she does doggy (referring to the chick he just piped)"!! Lmfao, Ray just starts cracking up. This cousin of his is in utter disbelief and is overwhelmed with what he had just experienced!! Dude is still trying to come to terms with what just happened. So Ray is like "dude, you've got a wife, doesn't she let you do doggy [style]??" The cousin is like "nah fam, she says its degrading so I haven't had doggy in a while yo". So Ray is absolutely dying in the car!! He can't believe that such a grown ass man could be deprived of doggy.

This story reminds me of the other story I've told before of the party we once attended in Rondebosch, Cape Town, and we decided to play the game 'Never Have I Ever' or whatever the fuck you call it!! I can't stress the importance of niggas wanting doggy enough after this story. Basically, we're playing this game and some chick is like "never have I ever had doggy style" and she didn't drink!! Niggas were like "hol' up". The more I think about that party, this chick must've been a troll coz she had quite the body!! Now imagine Nicki Minaj/Amber Rose/Kim Kardashian (whichever thick chick you can think of) being like "I've never done doggy" in an interview or wherever. I remember one of the most infamous men at the time being like "but that's my finishing move" like nigga had already called dibs or some shit!! Niggas were touched fam.

This shorty had caused an outrage!! The way you would think she was out of line, you would think she violated the constitution and niggas were ready to call Thuli Madonsela on her ass to probe this lunacy. It was one of those parties organized by Zim cats and you know how loud they could be. You would swear it was like EFF in parliament!! Niggas wanted answers hey!! Like, "who's child is this and who brought her here??" You could even sense some vigilantes in the background, ready to take some action. Niggas were analyzing here on some, "bitch, you're not paralyzed" like at least maybe if she was paralyzed from the waist down they would understand!! The game could not continue from there on.

So, I hope some ladies here can understand the importance of doggy!! Never deprive your man of doggy unless you're keeping it up your sleeve for that time when you need to save your marriage. The way I personally respect doggy is that I also let it be my finishing move!! I call that shit 'dangerous territory' coz ain't no telling what's going to happen once you cross that line. I am a person who believes that sex is about discipline so I'll never allow my ego to get the best of me (hence my pull out game is strong). You get some niggas here with unplanned babies coz they undermined the bootay!! Actually, lemme break this down for ya'll:

When you're having sex, you take turns to show each other flames akere?? So for example, lets begin with missionary and the guy is the one in control with them strokes (passing himself like in a marathon). Then you might wanna turn yo ass over and let her be on top and let her be in control coz she hop on that D while you're at her mercy!! Now, here's where niggas fuck around and totally misjudge the situation with doggy. You allow your ego to have you believe that it's your turn to 'take control' when really it's anyone's shot there!! In your head, you are under the illusion that you're the one in control until that booty bites back and next thhing you're busting like a spit cobra and it's game down. You thought you had it huh!? Dangerous territory suhn.

The next time any of you girls (who haven't already) are so generous to give a nigga ass, just bear in mind that I respect the booty so there's no reason to make a nigga tap out!! Many of us here have learnt our lessons so there's no reason to clap back and be so aggressive. Lol. Fuck, lemme just gerrara here maaan #WoundedBoyFromTheVillage